How about surprisingly dissatisfied! I dismissed this chapter, oh I read it. I created the study notes on it, but I dismissed it. I dismissed it because I didn't think it was that important. I mean let's get on with the important stuff like biblical submission and how to be a Godly mom, etc.. Plus I really thought I had some level of contentment in my life. God was about to show me otherwise. As I was getting ready for the book study last Wednesday God spoke to my heart and let me know that lately I have been anything but content. Really.
Scenes flashed through my mind. Standing by the Keurig, making a cup of coffee. (If you want to call it "making" coffee in this day in and age of modern conveniences,) Thinking of how exhausted I am, the day I have ahead of me and why can't I fast forward this day to when it will be bedtime for the kids so I can I have some much needed down time. Oh, I can't do this today nor do I want to. Interrupted mid thought by whining baby at my leg and always hungry 12 year old, "Mom what's for breakfast?" Something inside me snaps. I mean the audacity of this kid, wanting breakfast before I even have had my coffee after another sleepless night. I hiss at him, do you realize I haven't slept and I haven't even had my coffee yet."You need to wait until I can think straight and then I will get you breakfast. Go do your chores. I will call you when it's ready." Pretty wretched.
That was just one of the scenes that passed through my mind! 3 hours before I am about to lead a room full of women who are eager to grow in the Lord on the subject of contentment. Wow. Ok, deep breath and tears. I get it, God what should I do. I have to go speak to these women in less than 3 hours and I can only take them as far as I've gone. Apparently, I haven't gone far at all. What should contentment look like?
A million thoughts are running through my mind and I decide to look up the biblical definition of contentment. Contentment - positive self-sufficiency (inward adequacy) – i.e. that comes through the indwelling power of Christ. meaning "self"-sufficiency, which is entirely God-produced. I was pleasantly surprised at this definition. I realized that I had been living in contentment with God as my sufficiency not long ago. (definition from biblos)
Rewind 2 years. Standing in my kitchen holding a positive pregnancy test. Shocked. Pregnant. At 43. This was not only going to be an adjustment but a walk of faith. I was just beginning to experience some freedom, Stephanie was 22 and Chris was 10. I had just started losing some weight, I was at the gym almost daily, homeschooling was going well and I felt, well, content. My history of back to back miscarriages and problematic pregnancies scared me. I remember thinking, I can't take another loss. God please help me. I grabbed hold of God with a ferocity I rarely exhibit and counted on all of his provision, protection, promises and sufficiency, every day of my pregnancy. It was a sweet relief to be 'relying on the only One who was in control. 9 months later without incident, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. But not without incident was the year that followed.
Jonathan had jaundice and I left the hospital without him. I was nursing for the first time so this left me a little shaken but I was still holding on to God. The jaundice resolved, the nursing was unaffected and we brought Jonathan home and here is where the roller coaster ride begins. I will summarize quickly. Jonathan was high needs and I'm thinking colic. He cried often and I could not put him down for 13 hours (literally 13 hours) and he wanted to nurse constantly. All the while homeschooling my then 11 year old. When Jon was 8 weeks old Chris came down with a high fever and a rash. Too make a long story short He wound up in Stony Brook University Hospital's pediatric intensive care unit with his brain swollen and unconscious. The doctors had no idea what was wrong. God did. He gave me the diagnosis as an answer to prayer. Chris had Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, which is fatal if left untreated, usually things get really dangerous around day 10. We were on day 10! Praise God for his faithfulness. I insisted that Chris be put on the right medication (the drs. didn't want to put him on it!) and within 12 hours he was awake, sitting up and eating chicken nuggets and french fries. Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever's antibodies only show up in your blood stream after 30 days. 30 days later, Chris tested positive for RMSF. And that's not the end of it, shortly after that my husband's company went on strike. No paycheck for 1 month. These certainly were the worst of times. Yes. But God.
I felt so anchored during this time because of my resolution to trust God through it all. I became independent from my circumstances. In other words my circumstances were not dictating my responses or emotions during this time. Don't get me wrong, I experienced all your normal human emotions during this time. The difference here was how I refused to cave into them and let them dictate my response. During this time I lost 20lbs on weight watchers (losing weight is always a battle for me), continued to breast feed Jonathan ( a deep desire in my heart), I had read more of the bible in those few months than I ever had at any time in my life, my marriage was better than ever and the bills got paid. VICTORY! I was living life content in the worst of times. Thinking on all these things, I hear a whisper. It's possible. I pray to God that he would allow me to share with His daughters at The Journey the work He has done and continues to do in my life. All I want is to glorify Him, hence all the details, because through it all, it was only Him. Not me, not the Dr's., not the job, not the husband. Him on the inside of me.
Somewhere in the last year I lost the plot and deemed that the season of trial should end and life should get easier for me, oh, and also that I should be skinny without sticking to any prescribed course for any given time! (Hey I can still dream, can't I). Anyhow, discontentment settled in and everyone here at the Di Cola household has paid a price because when Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. That statement couldn't be more true. Ladies, we set the tone in our homes it's so important we grasp this principle. It's foundational. I believe everything else builds on it.
I signed this resolution along with the rest of my group last Wednesday. I am resolved to begin to try and cultivate contentment into my heart so I can have all God says I should have. So I can be a stream in the desert for my family and for others in need. I am excited, I am tentative, I am wide awake. To Him be The Glory!
Next week we begin Purposefully Feminine. I will post the newest study guide as soon as I'm through with it.
